


If you want love

by Hannahmayski



Series: Supernatural S1 codas [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s01e02 Wendigo, Gen, Nightmares, Sam Winchester Has Nightmares, Season/Series 01, and he forces sam to rest the next day before they get to colorado, and sam feels like he failed them, dean probably brought a fuck tonne of comfort food and some books he thinks sam would like, dean tries so hard, i am going to cry now, i fully believe that jess' parents adopted sam immediately, i literally cannot imagine how fucking traumatising that would have been, idk man but if i was sam i don't know if i'd ever feel safe ever again, it's set just before wendigo, like his entire life was shattered in one moment, sam watched jess burn to death on the ceiling, sam's falling apart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27115865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannahmayski/pseuds/Hannahmayski
Summary: He feels like he's falling apart, and he can't pull himself together. He's stuck between wanting to break down right there in the middle of the fucking parking lot of this stupid motel in the middle of Utah and beating the shit out of the next thing that even looks at him.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: Supernatural S1 codas [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977949
Comments: 1
Kudos: 53





	If you want love

**Author's Note:**

> if there are errors in this no there isn't <3

Sam can feel it, eating away at him like a dog tearing at a bone.

It scares him in a way he doesn't know how to explain.

Dean doesn’t think Jess' death was his fault, but it is. It is, and that's something that Sam will have to fucking live with because _he_ dragged her into this never-ending shit show, and she died.

The guilt festers and Sam watches her burn to death on the ceiling every time he closes his eyes. His eyelids burn with angry tears, and he lays awake in the dark listening to Dean's even breathing hoping that somehow the steady pattern will somehow knock him out for just a moment.

They stop in Utah on their way to Colorado and Dean's watching him the entire drive with that face that means Sam looks like something akin to roadkill. 

He feels like he's falling apart, and he can't pull himself together. He's stuck between wanting to break down right there in the middle of the fucking parking lot of this stupid motel in the middle of Utah and beating the shit out of the next thing that even looks at him.

Dean grabs him by the collar in a rough but not unkind manner, pulling him towards their new room that Dean had at some point managed to pay for while Sam was having a crisis in the parking lot.

He lets himself be dragged along, moving on autopilot, legs stiff and tired.

His hands shake as he grabs his bag from Dean's shoulder. He needs to sleep, he wants to sleep. He's pretty sure he won't. 

Dean knows that Sam's going to burn out at the rate he's going, and he knows that Sam knows that too. And Sam would take sleeping pills if he honestly thought it would give him a few hours of rest, but Sam's history with sleeping pills is ugly and disastrous and even Dean knows better than to suggest it.

They don’t talk for a while, Dean busies himself with things that don't need doing, anything to keep his hands busy while Sam tries to piece himself together into something resembling a functioning human on the other side of the room.

"I'm gonna get you something," Dean says a while later, when he's calmed enough he doesn't look like he's going to start throwing things at the wall.

Sam blinks up at him.

"You'll feel better soon," he says, desperation leaks through his words, like if he says it with enough conviction it'll come true.

Sam's hands shake. He hopes Dean is right.

Somewhere between Dean leaving and his subsequent return, Sam falls asleep.

He knew it was going to happen sooner rather than later with Sam's sleep schedule consisting of spontaneous naps in the car and whatever he can dredge up at night, hoping he doesn't wake up screaming, he's exhausted, right down to his core. 

He'd hoped that maybe, he'd fall asleep, and he'd be too exhausted to remember. That for once, he'd just _sleep._

It doesn't work out that way. It never works out that way.

There's no Jess burning on the ceiling, just Penny, Jess' mother, screaming at him. She doesn't hurt him, she just wails like a broken siren, in between sobs of outrage Sam hears her words clearly.

_You killed her_ , shesays _. Her blood is on your hands_. Her screams get louder and louder and louder, shrill and terrifying until Sam can't tell which way is up and which way is down all he sees is Penny's rage, the hate in her eyes as she looks at him. She took him in when he and Jess started dating. Penny and Jess's dad had treated Sam like one of their own and now-.

And now Sam left and Jess is dead and all he can hear is Penny's _screams._

He jerks awake, gasping and choking as he comes back himself, one tired piece at a time as his hands claw at the bedsheets, at himself. Dean is there now, leaning over him, pushing him back down on the bed. He's saying something, but Sam doesn't hear what the words are, just the low rumble of Dean's voice against his knuckles rest against his neck from here he's gripping Dean's jacket.

Sam doesn't know, but when he can think in a semi-coherent way again, he realises he's been tucked into the bed now, rather than just laying on top of it. Dean has taken Sam's his shoes off and his jeans and jacket. He's wrapped up in his sweat pants and the softest shirt Sam owns.

Sam blinks, feels weighted down on every limb and every blink is harder than the last. He rolls his head to the side, searching, until his eyes land on the person he needs - Dean.

He's sitting next to Sam's bed on the floor, pressed up against the side, his head leaning against the mattress. He has Sam's hand gripped in his own, keeping Sam here. Grounded.

He doesn't know how much time has passed, doesn't know how he's supposed to handle any of this - not the growing abyss in his chest, not Penny's screams or Jessica's face watching him as she dies.

But he's here, with Dean.

Sam's not okay, but for now this is going to enough. It has to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Anyway if Sam and Jess got married I think Sam would have taken Jess' last name thank you for coming to my tedtalk


End file.
